Thought Crimes

The definition of ‘around the corner’ varies from person to person and occasionally, from occasion to occasion. For the Times of India, Independence Day is around the corner on 12th Aug, Diwali a week before the actual day and Valentine’s Day by 15th Jan. One can hardly be blamed, therefore, if one is daunted by the prospect of the great day looming ahead.

Somehow, my memories of V-day are not too distinct. Hazy would be the word I would use to describe these recollections. It’s probably the only disadvantage of not having a girlfriend. For once I start recording my Chronicles of V-Day, my mind begins to obfuscate and I can only start with memories of different Cartoon Network shows that day. There was a year when they painted the boob tube pink and dedicated the day to all the great Romantics. That was the year I learned of the long-nosed Cyrno. So far long noses had been synonymous with Pinocchio. A more memorable year was when some soul, almost as demented as Lefty, chose to convert the day to Villaintine’s Day. Vivacious feats of the vile villains of Toonsville were lauded. Mojo Jojo ruled the roost. Tom kicked Jerry’s behind (one cannot use unparliamentary language). Thank you, CN, for those amazing growing-up years.

On one Valentine Anniversary, my school took the bold step of having a Valentine’s Day Assembly. “It’s celebrated as much, if not more than all other days. We must learn to move with the times,” said the Wise Teachers on this groundbreaking move, their mouths twitching. I was supposed to say the prayer in that historic assembly. Searching for a suitable one, I found a piece praising the selfless devotion of a Mother in the Moral Science book. Immediately I had one of my usual brainwaves and replaced the word ‘Mother’ by ‘Love’ everywhere, so that the prayer became “Love is this that and the other”. The prayer did not produce any Earth-shattering applause, but it went through minus any mishap in an assembly full of sniggers and sly nudges.

As my mind began to get more and more twisted, I woke up to the tremendous potential the day had for wannabe pranksters. An empty mind may be a Devil’s Workshop, but Lefty’s mind on V-day would put the Workshop out of business before the Devil could say John Robinson. So one year, I took a cell and sms’d lovey dovey messages to a friend of mine. Having no illusions about his abilities to attract such messages, the sagacious soul soon smelled a supremely stinking Rat and vowed to get to the bottom of the mystery. Soon I began to get calls from a host of unidentifiable numbers, each trying to unmask me. I had to use all the voices in my repertoire to elude his painstaking efforts. However, my bosom buddy was an avid CID fan and after a forensic analysis of the offending messages, realized that there was only one person apart from his love-smitten valentine who used a capital I and an apostrophe in the don’ts in his sms’s. My identity was revealed and I, seeing my inability to preserve a secret identity, had to take the difficult decision of not ever becoming a superhero.

None of these incidents can even come close to what happened to me this Valentine’s Day. Thanks to the undoubtedly wise person who sets the college exam time-table, I spent the day of confetti and red roses on dates with three examiners. Each presented me with an incomprehensible love letter to which I was supposed to muster a reply. I doubt if I did the best I could, not having prepared too well for such affectionate letters but I know my wooing was good enough to win a second set of dates after a month. Maybe we’ll have a more enjoyable time then.

Wonder what the next V-day would bring?